Agony

There's a huge difference between getting over things and just getting through them.

Life have been pretty tough for me lately. Have been feeling upset and emotional (still am) for so long. I forget when was the last time I laugh happily naturally. Things wasn't really smooth for me. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore and I am really not fine as I appeared to be.

There is many countless time I wish I could hold you like this and scream everything all out.

Just so you know, every time I didn't...... I almost did.

Same goes to texting or even calling you. I wanted to but I ..............can't find any reason to.

Neither can I find a reason why I love you.

I

Just

Do

Yeah, I can't deny that I still love you, as much as the first time. As usual. As always.

I love you despite knowing all your flaws. Despite me not able to stand you most of the most.

Especially when we hit the tough patch's,  I tried hating you but there's always a soft spot for you.

Just right there, at the bottom of my heart.

I told myself, I hate you so much. So damn fucking much.

You left, you gave me up, gave us up and you turn it all around to me.

My cause. My wrong. My fault.

Even if it IS my wrong, even so......... through it all, you still left.

So what's the point holding you back? Holding on to a empty shell.

I guess I love you more than myself.

So much so, I allow myself to risk everything all over again just for one more shot with you.

But I guess that was all in vain. Once or twice wasn't enough. This is the last straw.

We have been going through this repeatedly. On and off. Again and again.

Every time we swear that was it, That was the last.

We end up crawling back to each other and the whole shit just started itself again.

When will it ever end, I wonder?

This. Now.

This could be the end of everything.

I miss you. I miss your presence. I miss your everything.

Maybe it could be that I just ain't used to it. Not used to being all single and alone again.

Maybe time will heal. Maybe pain will change me, once again.

I don't know. I really don't. I don't know how my life gonna be like.

As much as I hate it when people walk out of my life, as much as I hate to lose people as soon as I get close to them, I still have to adapt and learn how to let go. 

Letting nature take its course, I guess.  

Time might be tough. Things might be rocky. People may leave. I may be upset and all. But I'm so done with letting myself felt this way. Had enough of feeling shitty and crying most of my nights to sleep. Enough of feeling pathetic and feel worthless. I'm so done weeping my heart for someone who choose to walk out of my life. Who choose to give me up despite promising me he never will. Promises are meant to be broken, maybe? I should have knew. Well.... I did. It's just that I choose to believe and trust that it won't happen to me this time round. I guess I was wrong. So wrong. Hence I am paying the price now. A heavy price for it. 

Listening to our voice record memo, listening to us promising each other not to give up or to let go. Listening to you promising me forever and beyond. Listening to you promising me marriage and after. Listening to me promising you the exact same thing. Listening to us  threatening each other that if one of us ever broke this promises we have made, it will be uploaded on Facebook.  

Although it is hard letting the one, the one you love behind. Letting the one go.
Nobody says it gonna be this hard. Nobody says it gonna be easy either.
It's not easy giving up someone that you have throw all your heart and soul into.
But I will try to. Am already trying my best to.


I'll be better in time. 

Sometimes you just have to learn to put down your pride and ego for someone you love more than yourself.

Xoxo,