Demons

If you understand, I am never changing who I am. 

I'm still active here. Was contemplating to blog here or at my Tumblr but decided to just pin my thoughts here. After all, I used to love blogging @ blogspot. But that was years ago. I can basically blog just about anything and everything, everyday. All the time. But........ I learn how not to blog about those sensitive / personal shits on any social platform. So yeah, here I am typing on the keyboards trying to salvage my poor little boring space of mine. I wonder who still do check my blog. And who still cares?

Life have been really boring and slow for me recently. Time have been dragggggggggggggggging and every seconds are like hours. So much things happen this few days/weeks. And it felt like months. Days have been rather sleepy and dull for me and nights have been just........... rather scary for me to deal with every single night. So I choose to let myself drowning in sorrows, tears and booze. Have not felt this way for far too long. I totally lost control of myself. Lost the determination I had to come this far. Have been depressed for so many nights. Sleeping in the moring, waking up in the noon and mop around, dying and grumpy till the sun goes down and there I go again. Getting all emotional and ranting it out to just anyone that I can come across to. Letting myself be all upset and crying all out to realize that, that doesn't help a single shit. So yeah. Been living like that for the past few weeks, I guess. It's hell. Literally. Can't seems to sleep and my minds can't seems to stop thinking wild. Slept for a few hours and I am up again, feeling all shitty. I literally look like a aimless zombie wandering around, finding for some comfort and some love. 

And so, JH decided to drop by to see me, to hug me especially when I needed that so damn much. Really appreciate the efforts. Especially when I knew you took the little time out for me when time is already not enough. Every single words you said last night really impacts me a lot. Especially when you tell me your story. I saw you cried and I cried myself  too, along with you. I thought I was strong. I thought nobody could understand my pain. But when I look at you, I seems so small. So fragile. I am nothing compared to you. You've gone through so much more than me and it eventually leads you to who/what you are now. I'm so so glad you can put all the pain and suffering behind you and start anew. Seeing how happy you are and how hard you are working for in your life inspire me a lot. You are like my role model. To climb higher and work harder. You are right. If you can go through it and survive it, why can't I? Why do I let such a setback pull me down? All this keep ringing in my head whenever I'm tired and I'm on the verge to give up. Because of you and your words, I strive for the better. The better me. The better future. I can't deny my heart melt when you told me, that you will always be there for me. No matter how busy or tired you are. And you show it by putting that little small effort by coming down for me and giving me a hug. It may be small but that really means a lot, so much more to me. Little actions warms my heart, instantly. And it's all because of your words that I have come to a decision on what should I do in the near future. For me and for myself. I still remember the very last word you said before you go, "I am always here. I hope the next time I see you, you are better and happier" That almost brought tears to my eyes and that make me so damn determine to work hard and play hard. I will make sure the very next time you see me, I will be what you wanted me to be. Thanks a lot, really. NGJH. You may not always be there for me but I know, you will always be there in my heart. Supporting me endlessly. You said I am that kind of friend you will die for. I want to let you know that, you are that kind of friend that I will fight and die for. Here to our everlasting friendship dear. I love you. Xoxo.

After that very night, I decided what I should do rather than mopping around, getting all upset and being so damn pathetic that I pity myself. Looking back now, I was really stupid. But I am glad that I did not do anything that I will regret now or in the future. I may break down once or twice but I will come up right up. I am so thankful to those who are there for me when I am down. Not gonna mention names here. I know them by heart is more than enough. And of cos, to my Dearest. To listen to me countless time, giving me advice, watching me cry and taking care of me for 23 years of my life. I own you a lifetime. I swore to myself before,  I will take care of you for life. The same way you took care of me. I love you mum. With all my heart ♥♥♥

Okay dokie. I made a appointment with my consultant and I should really get my ass up and get prepared now. 

Till next time!

Xoxo,