Unbeautiful ; Life Story

Beauty is only skin deep.
I let you see the parts of me.
That weren't all that pretty.

Ever felt so unbeautiful inside out? Ever felt so shitty that whatever you do or say doesn't even help a bit? Ever felt that no matter how you try, you can never be good enough? Ever felt trying so hard but still stuck at the very same spot? Ever felt no matter how hard you try, you end up going back to square one? Ever felt so ugly that you can't face the world? Ever felt so fat, so disgusted by your very own weight that when you look at the mirror. All you see is rolls and rolls of fats? Ever felt that you are useless? Ever felt that you are worthless? Ever felt that you are unappreciative? No matter how hard I fought, how strong I may seems to be. Nothing change a thing. Nothing.

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Well, I felt like this today. Almost everyday. Reality is cruel. People judge. Everyone judges everyone. I mean its a repeat cycle. Its a everyday kinda thingy. This is life. And I am living in it. Looking at how I am now. Looking at what I have now. I am contended. Really, I am. And I constantly remind myself that, every day and every night. Don't wanna take anyone for granted because I know how it felt to be taken granted for. Friends constantly remind me on how lucky I am, how I am good the way I am, how beautiful I am. Just that way I am. But look at me, look at me now. Tears started to form whenever I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a fat ass staring right back at me. Fat is written all over her face, arms, tummy, legs. Everywhere. I was never consider a beauty since young. Yeah, I am that short, thin, nerdy specs kinda girl with the most hipster centre parting you can ever imagine. Been bullied for years and years. All the way since I am a kid. Yes. I am once a victim of bullies. Been there, done that. Remember how I always run home to cry and curse everyone including myself. Asking myself why am I not born with beauty. Why am I always the one envying others and why ain't I born with a "normal" height. Why is it me that get all the bullying and why am I so weak. But somehow as the time goes by, I grow to get used to all those nasty words and unkind actions people does to me. I once vow to myself I will never let anyone bully me just because of the way I look and the size I am born in. At the age of 14, I snapped. Yes, I finally snapped. I came to realize nobody can help me, nobody can protect me. Its me against the world. I decided to stop letting people take advantage of me, stop those awful comments and stop all the bullying once and for all. So I became violent. Or perhaps, I should say I make myself to what people always like to call me, lian. Yup, I portray myself to be one of the ah lian wannabe. All I do is curse and swear whoever dares to provoke me. And turn extreme violent whenever someone tries to tease me. I get into fights and such. All because I had enough, I wanted to protect myself. And I grow worse and even more violent as I grow older. Because I realize when I am fierce and bite, only then people realize I ain't a pushover. But as a result, I get into pretty countless of trouble but on the good side, those who used to bully me back the fuck off and stop most of the bullying. But that doesn't stop me. I still get bullied every once and then. Yup, even till now. All because of nothing but my looks and size. Not that it matters to me. But it seems to irk people somehow and I really don't understand why. Maybe reality couldn't accept a person like me breathing the same air as ya all. Its like I don't belong, I shouldn't even exists at all. As I turn 17, which is also the year I got into attachment for my school. I started to learn how to makeup. And somehow or rather, my makeup skills improve. And puberty started to work its magic on me. From a duckling to a swan, I transform. So much so, boys started to notice me. Boys that I once admired started to notice me and started to befriend me. Boys that used to rejected me because I wasn't "pretty" then started to ask me out and all. I was overjoy then. I mean, look at all the attention I never had. I have them all now. But that doesn't last long. I know deep down, all they see is only skin deep. Not the real me. So I cut any form of connections with them and I was label as arrogant then. I wasn't really bothered by that anyway. As I grow older and older, the attention grew more and more. But frankly speaking, I don't like it. I ain't lying. I never like attention in the first place. Yes, maybe I yearn for it. But that was all in the past. When I was really young. When nobody cast a side glance at me. Not once, Not ever. I wish and hope someone will just stop by and tell me how beautiful I really am but no, not anymore. I have outgrew it. Most girls are flattered by the amount of attentions they have and the amount of compliments they received. But not me. I have been complimented so many times, I lost count. From pretty to cute to hot to sexy to beautiful to Japanese looking to Korean looking to Thai looking to Taiwan looking to china looking and even to Malaysian looking. Yup, all those compliments any girl would want to have. You name it. I got it all. But so? Compliments are nothing to me. They are just words. I used to brush them aside and whoever complimented me that I wasn't pretty, wasn't cute, wasn't sexy etc and as a result people mistook me as I fish for even more compliments. And I once got an advice from a friend that no matter what compliment's I receive and whoever it was from. Learn how to accept it. And at the same time, learn to accept your imperfection. I did. I tried my very best to learn how to accept any sort of compliment's and insult's I got all these years. Be it bad or good, I accept em. All of them. Some said I am humble, some said I am too over myself. Thinking I am pretty and I could get any guy I want but no, I never did consider myself as the pretty one's. Yes, I am proud of my makeup skills. That is all. I was never proud of how "pretty" I think I am or how much attention I can get just by posting my photo's on social platform. I just love to cam whore, that all. I mean, come on. Which girl don't? Most girls do right? In fact, I envy most of the girls out there. Yes, I envy. You heard it right. I envy many girls. Wondering why do they have what I can't have. And I wonder more and more.....

As much as I receive compliments, I do receive insults too. Or maybe i should just say they are just some unkind words or some very hurting joke's that isn't funny but am trying to sound funny. Yes, I do get insults right in my face. I learn to accept them but I must be lying if I say it doesn't affect me at all. Sure, I do have my fair share of procrastinating and doubts over myself. If you guys haven't realized it yet, I am pretty much sensitive over my height and size issue. I had enough of "Ohmygosh, you are so short. But you are cute", "Seriously, you are _____ (age) You look like underage!", "Eh, you go club confirm check IC right, bouncer confirm think you xiao mei mei right?" "Don't drink ley, underage cannot drink one sia. Later your mama call me, want sue me how?" "Wah, your heels very high. How many inches ah? If you never wear heels, very short ley. I cannot imagine" "What you eat when you are born ah? Why are you so short?" "You cannot learn driving hor, your legs can't reach ah" "Why you can't take (object's), not tall enough?" "Eh, you so short. Stand beside kindergarten kids, can be friends sia. Sama sama." "How TALL are you ah? You very TALL ley" "Your parents also very short right? That is why born you out also short short one right?" "You got try skipping or play basketball not ah? Maybe can help you eh. But I see your height, I doubt so lah. Also canot help much" "You so short, like machiam still in your mother tummy swimming sia" etc. All this comments. And its only a part of it. Not everything. Even till date, I still get this sort of comments. From people I know personally or from people I not close to or from people I don't even know. Even strangers. Commenting how short and small size I am when I walk pass them. Even walking past strangers, I get this. I mean, I just merely walking pass. No need such comment's right? Tsk. I even have friends telling me if I were taller, it will be better. I would be "perfect" I could be a model, blah blah blah. Whatsoever. But short is one of my many flaws. As a result, I lose out in alot of things. Looks doesn't mean a thing. Height don't mean a thing. Weight don't mean a thing. But not to the society. Enough of ranting. It wouldn't help a single shit. K, bye. 

I am just me being me, but being me isn't good enough. 

This is me. I'm unchangeable.

Xoxo