So I revamp my little space and edit the url of my blog link. First time trying out a simple template rather than my usual complicated html codes and shit. It took me whole day to figure out what is what and of cause given by the fact I changed my url. I doubt anyone would actually noticed I am back to blogging. Which is a good thing. It can be just my little online diary that nobody gives a shit about. Haha. Was contemplating to delete all my pervious posts and start anew but it was after all my memories. Bits and pieces here and there. Good or bad, it was my memories. My past. Something I have lived through and survive through it all.
Here I am typing after let me see... after exactly 1 year and 6 days (say whut) Last entry was on 18th June 2013. It's 24th June 2014 today. Wow. How times flies. I stumble across my old and very outdated blog by boredom and wanted to blog again but then again, there's nothing exciting nor interesting to blog about. Not to mention, my previous layout was a mess. Navigations everywhere and it look completely as shitty as how my pervious post's was all about. Yes, I re read my pervious entry and no doubt I felt worse than ever. I lose myself completely. Aimlessly and helplessly. It's kinda amazing what pain can do actually. Looking back, I was a complete dumb ass. I am over him but I am not over the pain he gave. The last I heard, he is with someone new now and I wish them well. I do pray nobody would (ever) go through what I did before.
So moving on, I am blogging from a completely different mood as I was a year ago. Life was kind to me. I am still alive and kicking. I went through a complete hell last year, ups and down. I would called myself a survivor. I made it through and I am glad I didn't give up and turn into someone who is totally not myself. I enrolled myself in school like how I intended to after so many years to realised that schooling is definitely not easy. Struggles for a couple of months and I don't know how should I express my feelings on my studies results. Should I say I am somehow glad I managed to pass some and are very emotionally upset that I failed some modules? I guess one thing that will never change. That is I am emotional like that. Oh well, it is a big part of me. It can drive me to do the most insane thing's but can also stop me from doing anything. Currently I survive through all my modules. Taking B&F paper this Sunday. I deferred them due to health reason a month ago. Yes, I fell sick countless times. Just got well from a ear infection that last me for 7 painful days. Don't ask me how I got them or why. I don't know. It hurts so bad that I could just jerk up from my sleep and growl and growl in pain. Will only fell asleep after growling in pain out of exhaustion. Fever come and go and I used drugs to control the fever from coming back and the pain from reoccurring. Basically just using pills to save myself from the agony. Man, that was a long 7 days. I went to 3 different doctors and was given 3 different set of pills. Not to mention that I spend over a hundred bucks to heal myself. One of the worse sickness I had ever been in. It's so costly to be sick and even more costly to obtain a certificate. But well, all went well now that I have recover.
Anyway, as I have mention that life have been kind to me up above? That's because I came to befriend a guy after my terrible horrible last break up. That is zx btw. And that is us on our recently getaway trip. To many curious other's that asked why do I move on that fast and switch boyfriend like as if I am changing out of my panties. Mind you, I was miserable for a good 9 months plus or so? I lost count of how long I was upset as it felt like years. Like literally a zillions years of pain. Like as if every second of your life hurts. Every breath you took hurts your ribcage. Okay, I am exaggerating but those who went through would totally get my point. It's the pain I have to face every single day, every single second. I was a mess when I knew him. He was nothing but a passerby. On which I never would have though anything will bloom out of it. He was just like any other typical guy trying to befriend a single broken hearted typical girl. From the very first time I met him in which he brought me my fav frog legs porridge (yes, all it takes is my fav food to lure me out haha) to seeing him took his first and last cigarette puff when I was in my house shitty ass clothes with my messy wet hair and of cause naked face. To which he was all but not even surprised that I look like a lump of shit on our first meeting. It still is amazing on how he managed to quit smoking officially after knowing how much I despite smokers and cig. What truly amaze me is that, he did it without me asking him to and managed to quit just like that. Which no guys will ever do so for me. I am talking about those pervious guys I have dated as well as those who tried to date me. None of em managed to officially quit it and all of em still are smoking their lungs out for as far as I know despite me putting in all my efforts to help them quit. Disappointing and a waste of efforts, yes. It's kinda a big deal to me that zx did so for me. For the sake of me. Without me asking him to, of cos. Which is a 101% thumb up for me. Haha. And also to those days I throw a fit whenever my mind starts to run wild and that I was completely taken by another me. Crying and spitting out hurtful bullshit I can ever thought of. He was there for me, with me making sure I don't turn into a monster. To the days I got wasted and fetching me from wherever to make sure I don't get myself in trouble. To making sure I don't fall sick. To making sure I get well as soon as possible if I do. To make sure I get whatever I want. He is like the complete whole different kind of guy compared to who I dated before. Like seriously. He was an angel while the pervious was satan. Zx will go all out for me in which no one would. I must say it was and still am my blessing to know a person like him. I was uncomfortable in the beginning. But I slowly got used to it. How could one appreciate an angel when one been through hell all these while, right? We were seeing each other for a couple of months. I want to take it slow. And not to jump into anything before I realise it was a mistake. We got together on the 15th of March. And after 3 short months, issues started to stir up and I was broken once again. Well, let me rephrase it. Not exactly broken. But was hurts. There is so many things happening this few weeks and I don't really know how to express what I feel or thought. Am on a rough patch now. Won't say it is over between us. Let just put it as we are working things out. May it leads to a better us and a better future. If not, will accept whatever and move on as I always had. God bless. xx
With love,
Ayako
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