Weight conscious and a little (too) insecure.

Depress. Depressing. Depressed and still depress.

(This photo is like the last photo I took of myself feeling like it's my last not so fat photo)

Hi. I won't be blogging about my post belated BKK trip because I have sum up most of it via my Twitter and Instagram. Yes, I know I pretty much spam Insta with loads of pictures but that is what it is for right? Anyway, HERE are my whole loads of photos to be view directly in a page. So yeah, I will be blogging or rather self confess about the label post above.

WEIGHT CONSCIOUS AND A LITTLE (TOO) INSECURE.

Don't ask me why am I blogging about this. I just feel the need to rant it off. So I turn to blogger. Yeah. Well..... I don't know where or how to begin with this this is how I look at myself now :

Okayyyyyyyyy. Maybe not that *ahem* fat but you get the drill. And er.... maybe without the veins all over. That is just ew. Kinda remind me of all those zombies I seen on zombies movies. Those veins. Yucks. Anddddddd back to the topic, yeah. I felt like that. Literally. Like a fat bitch. Worse thing is, some people around me have been telling me I have gained weight and that my bottom are getting rounder so is my face. I remember less than 5 people telling me I have gained weight and shit like that. But that is enough to make me crawl back to my room and starve myself for a month or so. I do not know whether are they joking/kidding but to what I see and what I feel. I think they meant what they say and this depress me even more. And because I feel so fat, I have been trying to wear more clothing to cover my fats. Like for example, long sleeves top. Longer skirts/pants. Rejecting shorts though they are oh so comfy. Using my hair to cover my fat face and shit like that. No figure hugging clothes either. Because I HAVE NO MOTHER FUCKING FIGURE TO BEGIN WITH! Unless you wanna see 3 rolls of pork rolls lah. Weather so hot yet bo pian, have to cover fats before they get BBQ-ed. Oh well, sigh ):

I was NEVER this depressed over my weight. Not to say weight conscious. But I must admit, I am now. Since young, my health have been weak and I can catch the slightest flu from anything and anyone. Like from dust, raining day's, people around me that is having a flu and so on. And I am ALWAYS sick. Not proud to say this but I have to admit, I am weak like that. And it gets on my nerves sometimes. Like the hell I get unwell like once or twice in a month while other's don't really get sick at all. Doctors and people around me knowing my health said my immune systems is weak. Therefore it can't protect me from all those sickness/illness I have suffered. And I have learnt to live with it. Everytime I am sick, everyone would be like : "Huh, sick again ah?" Yes. Again. And I don't like it. This gonna be out of the topic but I am still gonna rant about this. I hate whenever I get sick, my rash will pop. If you guys do not know what rashes is all about. I Google it and even Wikipedia it here for you guys. As stated, rash will itch, become warm, bumpy, chapped, dry, cracked or blistered, swell and may be painful. In my case, it itch ALOT. And yes, it swell up so much so I look like a monster. Yes, literally monster with swell up eyes, face and even lips. Everywhere. (Just imagine lah. Imagine me with all swell up face. Head to toe.) And no, I ain't gonna post a photo of myself looking like that b'cos simple, it will definitely freak you guys out. This have been one of my pain since I was born. Well, what can I say? I am born with it. It itch so much so I can spend the whole day or night scratching and scratching and scratching and most of the time, it bleed. Due to all those massive scratching due to my already sharp and long nails. Even if I cut em all away. it still bleed. The itch and the swelling can kill me. And whenever it bleed, I will cry. Because obviously it hurts. And I can't even stop scratching them. Worse when I have to bath. Once the water and the shower/bath form touches my skin. It's hell. Literally. I will bite my lips/tongue in pain and always have to gently pat my skin dry and the whole process of bathing can take an hour or more. It always have been a pain in the ass for me. I can't attend school or work due to it in the past. And people will shoo me off cause they are afraid it will spread to them. But fuck you, it's NOT contagious. NOT even infectious. And it will NOT spread to you by standing next to me or even if my pinky finger touches you. It's all in the blood. Only I get the shit. Hell man. Totally don't wanna recall all those faces and looks I received back in those days. I remember crying and withdraw myself whenever my rash appear because I know very well how people will look at me. I used to hate myself so much so I got depressed (yeah, I was pretty much a depressed kid back then) but I have soon learnt to deal with it. There is nothing much I can do about it. Since doctors always tells me the same shit. Believe me. I have been to countless doctors that I can ever remember. Be it western or the traditional sin seh. NONE of them can cure me. None. Yes, you read it correctly. None. Be it cream, pills, lotions, oil. Nothing can cure it. All of them told me, I am born with it and they can't do anything about it. Other than let it be. I was like are you fucking kidding me?! LET IT BE?! Sadly, yes. This is the harsh truth. I let it be. But however, there is a solution that I remember a doctor suggested to me. That is...... have a change of blood. Yup, withdraw all my shitass blood and pump in a whole new bag's of blood in me. Which of cause I refuse. I can't deal with the whole needles poking in and withdrawing ALL my blood and having someone else (god knows who) blood in me. Like what. No way. No needles. No changing of blood. And I bet that will cost me a bomb. So I decided to stick to my own shitty blood and freakin' accept it. Not easy but I am used to it now. And true to their (the doctors) words, my condition turns better when I grow older. Am no longer allergic to seafood (which happens to my fav!) now and those rash don't pop up that often. Thank god for that. I won't say I am 101% cure from it. I do have my rash day's but it is just not that often from the past. I used to have rash everyday. Yeah, every single day. And till date, my skin is still as sensitive as ever. I just have to deal with them carefully and gently. So yeah, back to the topic (again)

Many don't believe me when I said I gained weight or when I whine that I feel fat all over. Because I am petite and by being petite means small, tiny, skinny and short. Yes, I agree to the short part but not to the skinny part (duh) Ever heard of a pump or rather fat petite. Yes, of cause you have. You are reading her blog entry right at this very instant. Yup, your truly. *wave flabby arms* I guess most of them don't believe that I am so weight conscious might be because I used to be as skinny as a stick. Am not kidding here. Used to weight like 30KG? No, not lying. I am that skinny that many comments how disgusting I look and how weak and fragile I am. And there is plenty of times I almost got blew away by those fierce aggressive windstorm that come along with rainstorm. But lucky for me, I grab hold of my friends or anything I see and lucky I didn't get blew away. I guess the reason why I am underweight is prolly because I used to take an hour or more to eat a meal. Yeah, used to store food in my food and not chew them. And my digestive system isn't good. (Told ya, Imma weak kid) And I don't poo much. I don't eat much and I don't poo much. Which might leads to why am I like a skinny bone. But not now. I gained a hell loads of weight. No thanks to a total 360 degree change of my appetite when I am going through my puberty and all those late night supper. Those good food and those days where I eat so much so that I can barely breathe. Not trying to fish for compliment's here (I swear across my heart) when I rant and whine about my weight. No, I don't feel good when people tell me I am not or I think too much or I am beautiful the way I am. Be it I am fat or skinny, I am still pretty. Bullshit. Wait till the day I become pork ball then say okay. It's suppose to be comfy words but......I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt worse. I never felt this worse before. And here I am admitting or rather confessing that I am pretty much depressed. I begins to eat lesser. Sometimes due to over think too much or I will try to mind fucking myself that I ain't hungry and I will not eat it. Or whenever I look at myself in the mirror and I will go : "Eat some more lah eat. Already so fat, still eat. Eat it and you will regret." and so, I gave up and push back my urge to eat. And to think by not eating might make me NOT so weight conscious. Well, I was wrong. So damn wrong. Whenever I get too little too depress or weak, I will indulge myself in all sort of food I can find. To comfort myself. To give me the strength. Okay, you guys must be wonder what the hell with the "to give me strength" shit. So if you don't already knew, I will tend to feel weak all over whenever I miss a meal or just by not eating. I will feel weak plus gastric will start to find me. Which kinda make me double weak that I already am. And whenever I eat, I feel this way : 

Seriously speaking, I do think that the "some people" the above picture that are refering to is none other than your truly. Me. Fat ass bitch. Anorexia nervosa (I wiki it again) But then again, I can't bring myself to vomit out all the food that I have ate. I don't know, Its just plain disgusting to me. Like what is the point of eating if you gonna vomit all of them out? And what's worse? I don't wish anyone around me to catch me doing so. Then I have to explain why and blah blah blah. So I rather don't eat. Don't vomit and no need to explain! But here come the bad news that I just read via Wiki :

Patients suffering from Anorexia nervosa may experience dizziness, headaches, drowsiness and a lack of energy.

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me?! All the above listed to what I have been feeling recently. No man. Impossible. I can't and won't be a Anorexia nervosa patient. What? I am not right? Right??? Right????? Argh! This is mind fucking. 

Which did mind fucked me with this :

People with anorexia nervosa continue to feel hunger, but deny themselves all but very small quantities of food.

Okayyyyy, I think I am fucked. Its all pin pointing to the bull eye man. This is EXACTLY how I felt these days. Oh god, no no no. How can it be??????? And this provoke me into reading their signs and symptoms Godddddddddd, just look at the before and after picture on your extreme top right. She look pretty cute and chubby on the left and very zombie looking, skins and bones on the right (spell me ew) on a 40 days water fast. Wow, 40 days. I can't even last a 4 days drinking water though I almost tried them but I can't simply stand the taste of water. So meh. But in just 40 days of water fest, one can become this skinny?! Its not even close to 2 months man. Its like a month plus and BAM! Skinny whore baby! Just imagine me without flabby arms, no double chins, no round face, no 3 layers of tummy rolls, no 2 fat thigh kissing and licking each other whenever I walk. 

I could from this :

Yeah, like mine. *Poke tummy*

Ohhhhhhhh, look at the burger. Burger baby!

To this :

Goshhhhhhhhhhh. Just look at how skinny they are. This is what I want myself to look like. 

Yeah. I google this photo and paste my face over it because I am fat like that.

Fuck me right?

P.s // Am eating a bowl of hot green bean soup instead of nom-ing on those fattening snacks. Hopefully, it can tame my hunger and my tummy is being so annoying. 

Keep calling me non stop. Stop it already, will you?

(I know I will be sooooo annoying to keep saying this is fattening and that is fattening but please endure with me and my fatty rolls of fats. I can't help it) (ノдヽ) 

P.s.s // Haven't been taking photo's of myself recently b'cos I simply can't stand to look at myself. So well, spare you guys with those fugly pictures. Will only spam photos of myself IF, IF I EVER SLIM DOWN. Or maybe I never will. Peace out.

Xoxo,